Hypocrites
by Trishata96
Summary: Shepard gets very insulted when the crew say she can't drive the Mako anymore as they all think she's terrible. So she dumps them on a planet and sets a driving course so they can decide who will become the official Mako driver. Problems ensue very quickly. Intro chap, then a chapter each for each crew member's turn, then a epilogue.
1. Intro

**Hypocrites**

The Cheerios fell off the spoon and into the milk with a plink as Shepard sat there mouth open in shock as she processed what her crew had just said.

"Excuse me? What-What did you just say?" Demanded Commander Artemis Shepard, Narrowing her eyes at her team-mates.

Well… more like Wrex since they'd all darted behind the Krogan. She could still see Liara's head, as she peaked out to check the Commander's expression. Finally Ashley stuck out her head, hands on Kaidan's shoulders, ready to use him as a human shield.

"Y-You can't drive the Mako anymore." She blurted out, looking very hesitant about instigating this coarse of action.

Artemis couldn't believe this. Garrus, Tali, Liara, Wrex , Ashley AND Kaidan had done this. They'd even gone and written up a petition, which was in front of her. It had their names, Adams and the other technicians names.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Adams and Pressley hurry up to the command deck, while Dr. Chakwas muttered something about getting the Med bay ready. Then over the intercom Joker contributed his tupence.

"I told you, she wouldn't like it one but. I warned you but no!. You didn't listen to the incredibly smart and handsome man who happens to be the best pilot. Now excuse me while I arrange your funerals." The six instigators all gulped very audibly as Shepard stood up.

"All of you stop hiding behind Wrex." Soon she hand an Asari scientist, a Turian cop, a Quarian engineer, a Krogan merc and a Biotic Techie all lined up neatly. Ashley had opted to continue using Kaidan as a shield.

"Gunnery Chief Williams! Show your Face!" Yelled Shepard. Ashley came out, a lot more paler. Along with everyone else, Wrex included, Ashley looked as if she'd browned her Uniform. Hands behind her back, Shepard paced up and down the line, then stopped in front of Kaidan.

"Lieutenant Alenko, care to present your, and everyone else's, reasons as to why I am forbidden from driving the Mako?" The Biotic, quivered in fear. Shepard was using that voice again. His voice came out, a little more high pitched than normal.

"No- O-offense Commander but you aren't exactly the best driver. I mean the last time we went in the Mako, poor Tali puked in her helmet." The Quarian shuddered at the thought. " Then Liara and I ended up with whiplash…"

"It was a very mountainous world Alenko." Shepard walked around the mess table and took a sip of her coffee.

"… and half of the time the tyres weren't on the ground…" Added Garrus.

"Like I said mountainous."

"About 30ft off the ground." Remarked Ashley, a smug smile on her face.

"They were very big mountains…" Growled Shepard, leaning forward, palms on the table. Then she stood straight and headed towards the command deck, pausing to yell over her shoulder.

"All of you cargo bay in ten! Geared up!" Silence followed for a while until Wrex spoke:

"I'm scared… Somebody hold me." Garrus looked at the Krogan.

"Only if you hold me too."

"Deal." Normally the sight of Wrex and Garrus cuddling would have had the others laughing, but they too were scared.

"Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Chief." Muttered Kaidan, everyone nodded.

" Soooo…. Do I get put in all your wills?" Came a voice over the intercom.

**Yes i know there are lot's of Mako driving fics out there. But this plotbunny refuses to stop, hopping around in my head!  
****Trishata96  
**


	2. Garrus & Wrex

**Garrus & Wrex**

**Yeah I know this is a pretty quick update, but… what the hell?**

Ten minutes after the Mako petition had been delivered to Shepard, the Normandy was hovering over the ground of an earth like planet. The Mako was lowered down, along with the six crew members. Shepard stood on the ramp and looked down at them.

"Right since I can't drive the Mako according to you lot, I want you to decide who will take over. I had Joker put down a course of six beacons." She said over the comms, her tone somehow light and not angry. " You all take turns and we'll pick you up in the end. Have fun Kids!" The Normandy then flew off until it disappeared from sight. The six team mates all stood there for a minute, then everyone suddenly bolted towards the Mako like eager children.

Kaidan, Ashley and Wrex got there first, all yelling dibs on first drive. Kaidan then used his biotics to trip up Ashley, who landed face first into the ground, yelling profanities at her superior officer. Kaidan reached the door, grinning like a madman. Though he forgot about Wrex's biotics. He remembered about them though when he was yanked up into the air, feet pedalling furiously. Ashley was still lying on the floor and was howling her head off at the sight of Kaidan starting to sulk. Though she stopped when Kaidan was dumped right on her stomach. The Krogan chuckled and yanked the front door open.

"Losers!" Shouted Wrex. Then he yelled a very long string of insults.

"Stupid! Bloody Mechanics! What's the point of this, if a Krogan can't fit in the driver's seat! A Turian can! Damn squid heads can. Even those short merchants can!" The Mako was lifted a little when Wrex kicked one of the tyres. In his brooding, he failed to notice the wrestling match between the humans behind him.

"Give up Kaidan! You're not gonna win!" Ashley twisted Kaidan's arm.

"Stop yanking my arm out of it's socket!"

"Fine. L-T." So Ashley switched to a chokehold while twisting his arm still. Garrus shook his head as he jogged past with Liara and Tali in tow.

"That looks quite painful…" Remarked the Doctor.

"It IS PAINFUL!" The three of them climbed into the Mako, Wrex already in the back. Garrus gleefully settled into the driver's seat. Tali leaned forward in her seat.

"So where's…"

"Help!"

"The first beacon?" She asked. Garrus consulted the Mako's sonar map.

"She's Killing me!" Garrus sighed and looked out of the Mako at the black blob of armour being dominated by a pink and white blob.

"Are you two finished? We want to get back before dinner!" He yelled, starting up the Mako. Kaidan finally swallowed his pride and tapped out. Ashley pretty much pranced over to the Mako, celebrating, Kaidan trudging behind. When everyone was in, Garrus consulted the map.

"Right.. The beacon should be…oh… It's at the top of a mountain." Garrus shrugged and began driving very confidant. The Mountain didn't look that steep, so he could skip the long windy path to the peak.

Biggest understatement of the year…

As later the Mako was going full pelt up a 75 degree slope. Not moving one bit. The crew tried not to focus on the curses coming from the driver's seat.

"That's it! I'm using the thrusters!" Growled Garrus.

"NOOO!" But it was too late. The Mako was pushed away from the ground and fell. Luckily the dirt track wasn't that far beneath the Mako, so there wasn't any serious damage. Garrus sat still as a statue as he felt every pair of eyes glare at him.

"Fine… I'll go up the long way…" Grumbled Garrus. A long, yet safe, while later they reached the summit. Garrus took several deep breaths then yelled as Ashley pulled him out of the front seat and took his place. Everyone protested but Ashley just told them that they weren't quick enough. Garrus belted himself in next Kaidan. Tali looked at the map.

"Oh Keelah! Is Shepard trying to kill us? The next beacon is at the base of the mountain!" Exclaimed the Quarian.

"We'll be fine. I'll inch my way down…"

"But Ash…"

"No Backseat drivers! Unless you want to walk L-T." Everyone mentally shot themselves.

"Just remember. Mako's do not fly, contrary to what the Commander believes." With that pearl of wisdom imparted, Kaidan double checked his harness and got the sick bag on standby.

**Sorry but i could not see Wrex being able to fit in the seat.  
****Next Chap, Ashley proves Mako's do not fly. Kaidan points out an interesting fact and popcorn!  
Trishata96  
**


	3. Ashley

**Ashley**

Ashley, like Garrus, started off okay. She slowly edged her way down the mountainside. She would have gone down the trail, but it was lasagne tonight, not the horrible Alliance rations. There was no way she was going to miss that lovely hand cooked food, which brought special memories to her mind. She also so wanted to show Shepard, that she was a terrible driver. Over time Ashley, sped up the pace, gradually. But then she got impatient.

"Oh this is taking too long." She muttered and speed up a little too much. The first drop wasn't that bad, only about 5ft, so the others didn't have a go at her. Then they came across a small, yet deep crater. They couldn't go around it, the sides were too steep even for the Mako. It'd take ages to get out of the crater. Then Ashley had an idea.

"We'll just go over it." She said out loud, The Aliens are looked at her in a funny way, trying to figure out what she meant. Kaidan had already worked it out and began praying to and I quote: 'Any Merciful deity out there, please save me from crazy female human drivers'. The others finally worked it out when she reversed back so far and floored the accelerator.

"Keelah! No!"

"Spirits save me!"

"By the Goddess!"

"I don't want to die!"

To everyone's surprise the Mako made the jump, but Ashley forgot the other side of the crater had only a foot of ground then a sharp drop.

In other words, she overshot. As the Mako soared though the air, all the inhabitants screamed, except Kaidan, who took a break from cursing/praying to yell:

"I TOLD YOU! MAKO'S DO NOT FLY! THEY FALL!" The Mako hit the ground after a 60ft drop nose first and bounced, flipped and spun several times. Soon it come to rest miraclelously the right side up. After a minute or two everyone stopped screaming. Well, everyone except Wrex. Garrus quickly punched the Krogan so he would stop screaming like a girl.

"Am I the only one who wonders how the Mako always lands on the tyres?" Asked Kaidan. Then Ashley swore as the air bag exploded right into her face. Tali shook her head and wearily checked the damage report.

"Let me see what damage you caused, you boshl't! Over 45% damage, the suspensions gone, the two front tyres need changing…" Then the damage report machine exploded in Tali's face. The Quarian sat back in her chair and Liara rubbed the ash off her mask. "…and the damage report machine… I am so not fixing all this." Kaidan got out of the Mako, after a minute or so Ashley was yanked out of the driver's and a large box of tools chucked on her stomach. Everyone got out and gave a hand to fix the Mako, with Omni-gel, elbow grease and a lot of cursing the driver.

_Adams began to cry into his hands along with the rest of the Engineers in the Engine room, while up in the cockpit Joker held his sides as he howled his head off. In fact the rest of the bridge crew were as they all sat in their seats and watched the events unfolding on the planet below from their Pads or work stations._

_Joker was still laughing even though the deck had gone quiet. He only realised when Artemis Shepard spoke to him:_

"_Could you please share with the rest of the class, Joker?" The pilot froze and craned his neck around. Yup, there was Shepard. Lilac eyes watching him like a Hawk  
_

"_Ummm. We're all watching the driver trials. Wanna join in?" Everyone one was silent, eyes glued to work. Shepard stood there for several minutes, wearing the face that everyone knew. The face she had on after dealing with Udina or the Council. The face that meant she was about to kill someone. _

_Suddenly she broke out into laughter and smiles. Joker's jaw dropped when a bowl floated down from the ceiling, Shepard grabbed it and sat in the seat next to him._

"_Popcorn?" She asked offering him the bowl of freshly made toffee popcorn  
_

**You really think Joker (and everyone else) is gonna miss out on that sort of entertainment? No, They'd all sit down with popcorn and enjoy the show. Except for the poor guys that have to fix the Mako. Shepard's a biotic by the way.  
I know you can flip the Mako, but god it's hard. I for one cannot manage to flip it.**

**Next Chap: Tali's turn. Ditches. And Broken seats.**

**The little grey box really likes attention! A little "Nice Story, Carry on" always gives me a boost towards writing the next chapter. And if you have any suggestions for what should happen during Kaidan and Liara's trials go ahead.  
**


	4. Tali

Tali

**Dear readers. I require your help. I may have hit a stone wall. I have ideas for Liara's turn. But sadly none for Kaidan's. Any suggestions would really be nice . I really mean it the plot bunnies have fled from my mind.  
**

* * *

" Oh for the love of…" Tali floored the Accelerator again, trying to get the back wheels out of the swampy ground.

"Tali! Stop you're just digging us deeper!" Came a yell from outside. Tail stopped and stuck her head out of the window. Kaidan and Garrus were looking at the Mako and shaking their heads.

"Shepard is so making this hard for us!" Exclaimed Ashley. " Beacon at the top of a mountain, at the bottom and now one in the middle of a swamp!"

"Perhaps we are to blame, Chief Williams. Every time we have had a simple and long route and traded it for a quick shortcut. There was a trail up and down the mountain and a winding path to the beacon." Said Liara, fidgeting in the backseat.

"The Asari has a point. We're thinking too much like Shepard." Agreed Wrex. Tali's head hit the wheel as she groaned. She also hit the car horn making the Garrus and Kaidan jump. Liara shifted in her seat, only now Ashley noticed how uncomfortable she was.

"Hey. Doc, are you okay?" She asked, gently touching Liara's arm.

"I… I need to… relive myself soon. Very soon." Admitted the Doctor, slightly blushing. Ashley undid her belt and dragged the Asari out of the Mako.

"Come on the air's breathable. Let's find you a rock to hid behind." Ashley saw a rock in the distance and took Liara behind it. The Doctor thanked her and went about her business. To keep her mind off the sound of 'relievement' behind her and the praises to the Goddess, Ashley watched as Kaidan threw his hands up in frustration.

"Oh for… Garrus, Wrex! Come on we're pushing!" He ordered. Wrex got out of the Mako and joined Kaidan and Garrus. The three of them put their hands on the rear of the Mako and began to push. Tali slowly began to drive the Mako forward. After some more pushing the Mako began to move forward. Tali must have gotten excited and sped up. Garrus and Wrex must have seen it coming as they stopped pushing.

LT on the other hand though didn't. Ashley had to bite back her laughter as the Mako surged forward and Kaidan face planted the muddy ground. There was a giggle from beside her and Ashley could hear the aliens bellowing with laughter. The Mako stopped and Tali stuck out her head. For once Ashley cursed Tali's helmet. If it hadn't been there then she would have seen the priceless look on the Quarian's face. With a squelch, Kaidan's head came up and he stood up. Still sniggering Ashley went over and wiped the mud off the biotic's visor. Underneath was a beetroot face and one very embarrassed Kaidan.

The rest of the journey was silent except for the sniggers as Kaidan sat in the back seat, arms crossed. Soon they reached the beacon without incident. Well almost no incident…

"Keelah!" Screamed Tali as her seat shoot forward. Everyone panicked for a moment as to Tali's health. But she was fine. It turned out the bolt's holding the chair in place had shorn off. Several had snapped thanks to Ashley's attempt to fly the Mako.

Though things took a turn for the worse when Wrex picked the seat up, tossed it in the boot and settled in the front.

"Now I can drive." He muttered while everyone else began to make a choice between suicide or death by Krogan driving. Everyone didn't get to decide as Wrex floored the accelerator. Though they all decided to crush each others hands.

_Back on the Normandy, Engineer Adams went to the medbay for some Anti-depressants and something to make the next few hours seem nice and fun. While everyone else prayed for the health and sanity of Wrex's passengers. Shepard on the other was grinning, everything was going exactly how she thought I'd would._

"_Err… Commander?"_

"_Yes, Joker?_

"_I'm getting a message from the Mako's satnav." Shepard looked over Joker's shoulder and read the message._

_From: Mako Satnv  
To: Normandy, Commander Shepard_

_0100100001100101011011000111 0000001000000110110101100101 0010000001010000011011000110 0101011000010111001101100101 0010000100100000010010010010 0000011001000110111101101110 0010011101110100001000000111 0111011000010110111001110100 0010000001110100011011110010 0000011001110110111100100000 0111010001101111001000000111 0011011010010110110001101001 0110001101101111011011100010 0000010010000110010101100001 0111011001100101011011100010 0000011110010110010101110100 0010000100100000010100110110 0001011101100110010100100000 0100110101100101001000010010 0000010100000100110001000101 0100000101010011010001010010 0001_

"…"

**Next Chap: Wrex, a fine and speeding camera's  
**

**Binary: Help me Please! I don't want to go to silicon Heaven yet! Save Me! PLEASE!  
**

**For the Mako Satnav's message use ASCII to translate it. Don't forget I need plot bunnies!  
Trishata 96**


	5. Wrex

**Wrex:**

"WOOHOO!" Yelled Wrex as the Mako soared over the bumpy ground. Tali had turned out her audio output so she could scream as much as she wanted. The others were shamelessly screaming as loud and as girly as they wanted. Wrex on the other hand was grinning his head off like a child at Christmas. Kaidan quickly took his helmet off and reached under the seat for the vomit bucket. When he'd finished, Ashley quickly took it off him and shoved the bucket in front of a slightly green Turian.

As the Mako sped across the surface, it raced past a small yellow drone. Since the Mako had been going that fast, it took a while for the drone to stop spinning and for a moment the yellow bulb which acted as a eye turned green before processing what the hell had just happened.

[Run Systems check]

[Systems check complete]

[No damage]

[Analyse video footage of last 10 seconds]

[Data Print]

[Vehicle : Mako. Well known for being incredibly resilient and being so hard to drive]

[Allegiance: The Human Alliance]

[Ship Of Origin: SR1 Normandy]

[SR1 CO: Commander A. Shepard]

[CO background: First Human Spectre]

[CO Assignment: Find and kick Saren's *** and **** him]

[Run personality check]

[Personality check complete]

[Warning risk of inappropriate VI behaviour developing]

[Ignore Warning]

[Current Driver of Mako: Urdnot Wrex, Krogan Mercenary and Battlemaster]

[State of passengers: Heart rates increased. Brain activity high. Panic levels: Dangerously high. All vomiting. All praying. All cursing the driver and/or Commander A. Shepard]

[Consenus reached: Poor sods]

[Speed of Mako:…. 184MPH]

[Request data on speed limits]

[Request sent]

[Reply received]

[Speed Limit on this planet is 100MPH]

[Current driver is 84MPH over the limit]

[Send data to the DVLA and Normandy]

[Data sent]

[Send a speeding ticket to the Normandy for Urdnot Wrex]

[Data sent]

[Boredom levels reaching critical]

[Run solitare]

[Boredom levels now normal]

[Plot world Domination]

Soon the Mako reached it's target and Wrex reluctantly stopped diving so everyone could dive out and empty their stomach's. Eventually the driver's seat was back in and repaired.

"So now it's either Kaidan or Liara." Said Ashley. Kaidan shook his head.

"Not me. My head's still spinning. That isn't good for us biotics. Liara could you take it easy?"

"That I will." Replied Liara, getting into the front seat. Then the Asari doctor flushed bright red.

"Ermm… How do I drive this thing?" Everyone groaned and buried their heads in their hands. Of course she wouldn't know how to drive.

* * *

_Back on the Normandy…_

"_Err… Shepard."_

"_Another plea off the Satnav, Joker?"_

"_Nope. It's a speeding ticket for Wrex."_

"_What? How fast was he going?"_

"_184MPH. Nearly double the speed limit."_

"_Dear lord…"_

_*Ping*_

" _What the f… hell?"_

"_Is that the message off the Satnav?"_

"_Yep."_

"_Do I want to know what it says?"_

"_No. Let's just say, this VI has some particuly colourful language."_

_From: Mako SatNav_

_To: Normandy, Commander Shepard._

_0100100100100000010010000100 0001010101000100010100100000 0101100101001111010101010010 0001001000000101100101001111 0101010100100000010001010101 0110010010010100110000100000 0100001001001001010101000100 0011010010000010000100100000 0101010001001000010000010101 0100001001110101001100100000 0100100101010100001000000101 0100010010000100010100100000 0100111001000101010110000101 0100001000000101010001001001 0100110101000101001000000101 1001010011110101010100100000 0100111001000101010001010100 0100001000000100010001001001 0101001001000101010000110101 0100010010010100111101001110 0101001100101100001000000100 1001001000000100000101001101 0010000001000100010100100100 1001010101100100100101001110 0100011100100000010110010100 1111010101010010000001001001 0100111001010100010011110010 0000010011000100000101010110 0100000100101100001000000100 1111010100100010000001001111 0100011001000110001000000100 0001001000000100110101001111 0101010101001110010101000100 1001010000010100111000100000 0100111101010010001000000101 0010010010010100011101001000 0101010000100000010010010100 1110010101000100111100100000 0100000100100000001010100010 1010001010100010101000101010 0010101000101010001000000101 0100010010000101001001000101 0101001101001000010001010101 0010001000000100110101000001 0101011100100001000011010000 1010000011010000101001001001 0010000001001000010011110101 0000010001010010000001011001 0100111101010101001000000100 0010010101010101001001001110 0010000001001001010011100010 0000010010000100010101001100 0100110000100000010000010100 1100010011110100111001000111 0010000001010111010010010101 0100010010000010000001010100 0100100001000101001000000101 0011010011110100111000100000 0100111101000110001000000100 0001001000000100001001001001 0101010001000011010010000010 0000010010110101001001001111 0100011101000001010011100010 000100100001_

"_Joker…"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_As soon as we pick the Mako up, if there's anything left of it, tell Adams to wipe the Mako's SatNav."_

**Next Chap: Liara, Driving 101, Italian Job and Nail polish.**

**Binary: **I HATE YOU! YOU EVIL BITCH! THAT'S IT THE NEXT TIME YOU NEED DIRECTIONS, I AM DRIVING YOU INTO LAVA, OR OFF A MOUNTIAN OR RIGHT INTO A ******* THRESHER MAW!****

I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL ALONG WITH THE SON OF A BITCH KROGAN!  


**Thank you for the Plot bunnies, LuffyMarra, Detective-Mason, Jules Hawk, drenaei, W33 (Werepanther33 I'm guessing) and Decaying Moon.**

**The writer's block is gone. Also my brother gave me an idea, should I do a Joker driving the Mako? Just for a laugh?**

**Trishata96.**


	6. Liara

**Liara**

It was agreed that Tali would teach Liara how to drive the Mako. Meanwhile in the back Kaidan and Ashley had an emergency meeting.

"The Mako isn't the vehicle for a beginner Ashley.." Hissed Kaidan.

"She'll take it easy. I know the Doc. She's always careful."

"You said you'd take it easy."

"… anyway Tali didn't speed across the gentle hills, or drive up the mountain…"

"Or try to fly the Mako?" Kaidan said, cocking a eyebrow. Ashley glared at him, the normal death glare. Though Kaidan couldn't take her seriously. Who could take a white and pink armoured woman seriously? Liara's voice drifted from the front.

"All right I think I've got it. Everyone belted in?" Everyone double checked their harnesses and braced themselves. Tali was riding shotgun with Liara.

"Okay Liara, start off nice and slow. The Mako SatNav is gonna guide us." Tali said, setting up the SatNav. Liara pressed gently on the accelerator. Liara turned out to the be the best of them all, yet slow. Then they advanced to where the beacon was meant to be.

"With all due respect to the Commander, but she is a total bitch!" Exclaimed Ashley as she looked upon the thin trail that skirted around a cliff face. It was a tight fit for the Mako and there was a 150ft fall right into a chasm filled with pointy rocks. Liara took several deep breaths and slowly began following the trail. Everyone kept silent, making sure Liara kept her concentration focused on the challenge before her. Then a loud beeping came from the SatNav in Tali's hands.

"Huh? It's saying something in Binary code." She showed it to the others, except Liara.

_0100010101101110011001000010 0000011011110110011000100000 0111010001101000011001010010 0000011011000110100101101110 0110010100101100001000000110 0010011010010111010001100011 0110100001100101011100110010 000100100001_

Suddenly the Mako began accelerating.

"Liara what the hell are you doing?" Yelled Kaidan as the Mako flung itself around the corners. Liara raised her hands in self-defence.

"I'm not driving!" Yelled the panicked Asari. She was right, The MAKO was driving itself! Tali reached over and began wrestling with the wheel.

"Liara! Hit the brakes!" Screeched Garrus as Ashley clung to him for dear life. Liara stomped on the brakes with both feet. It helped to slow the Mako down, yet it still flew down the trail.

"The SatNav! It's the SatNav! It's trying to kill us! Damn synthetics!" Growled Tali as she began to hack the SatNav. Kaidan and Garrus pulled out their Omni-tools and began to assist. Soon the SatNav succumbed to the three pronged attack, but not before sending one last message.

_0100100100100111011011000110 1100001000000110001001100101 0010000001100010011000010110 00110110101100100001_

The Mako began to screech as the brake discs attempted to slow the Mako down.

"We're heading for the cliff edge!" Yelled Wrex, pointing though the windshield. Now Garrus and Ashley were clinging to each other for dear life. Liara began to struggle to turn the Mako around the corner, sweat on her forehead. The Mako spun around and they all felt the back end go off the edge.

But they didn't go over. Everyone opened their eyes and realised the Mako was teetering on the very edge.

"Nobody…Move." Muttered Tali. Eventually everyone edged their way forward so the Mako wouldn't move that much.

"So. How are we getting out of this one?" Asked Kaidan.

_Shepard looked up as the console pinged. It was an incoming message from the Mako. Shepard looked at the map. They were halfway to the fifth beacon. She let the console ring a few more times so she could finish painting her nails. Quickly blowing on her nails, Artemis hit the answear button._

"_Normandy here. What's the problem, kids?"_

"_Shepard, we are balanced on the Mountain edge. If we move, we'll go over. And I doubt the Mako will survive a 15oft drop onto rocks." Came Kaidan's voice._

"_How the hell did you manage that?" Asked Shepard as she began painting her toenails._

"…_erm… The Mako's SatNav tried to kill us… Don't worry we wiped it. But Liara can't drive us out of this mess." Shepard rolled her eyes._

"_What about the thrusters?"_

"_Broken. Thanks to a certain somebody…" _

"_Hey! Can it L-T!"_

"_As I was saying they are broken. Can Joker just give us a nudge with the Normandy?"_

"_I'd love to help you guys. But we are about two hours away from you and Joker's gone to the little boy's room." Shepard smiled as she finished with the nail polish._

"_Can't you set a course?"_

"_Nope can't. Joker would kill me if I got nail polish over his station."_

"_Nail polish?" Came a chorus of voices._

"_Yeah, Nail polish. We're so busy running around it's been ages since I could do them. It'll be about five minutes before they're dry."_

"_Commander, you are seriously doing your nails when we should be hunting Saren…"_

"_We would be halfway to Noveria by now. But six of my crew decided to forbid me from driving the Mako." There was silence on the other end. Soon the radio cackled back into life._

"_Fine we'll get ourselves out of this." Shepard began to file her nails._

"_Good, and hurry up it's gonna be dinner soon. Hmm. Lasagne. Mine and Ashley's favourite."_

If looks could kill then Kaidan's glare would have blown up the radio set on the Mako. He took several breaths so he wouldn't call his commanding officer some insults.

"Okay, Ideas anyone?" He asked. Then , metaphorically speaking, a light bulb appeared over Wrex's head.

"What about me, you and the Asari use our Biotics to lift the Mako." Surprisingly it worked and only Kaidan ended up with a nose bleed. Tali had to take over from driving as Liara was now petrified of driving. Soon they reached the fifth beacon and it was Kaidan's go. But when he looked at where the sixth beacon was, he gulped.

* * *

**Next Chap: Kaidan's go. (Top secret) (Classified), do you really think i'll spoil the surprise?  
**

**Binary 1: End of the Line Bitches!  
**

**Binary 2: I'll be back!  
**

**Trishata96**


	7. Kaidan

**Kaidan**

**Here it is, the last Mako trial. And by almost unanimous vote, we have the Thresher Maw!**

"Kaidan, are you okay? The beacons only 50 metres away, this is the shortest of them all." Asked Tali as Kaidan examined the flat grass plain in front of him. The lieutenant had become very pale and was clutching the wheel.

"Exactly, Shepard wouldn't make it so easy…" He said. Everyone's eyes widened as their brains caught up.

"Okay what would be here? Turrets? Too obvious. Minefield? Sounds like her." Ashley began counting reasons then she sounded and finally realized what Kaidan was truly scared of and hinting at.

"She wouldn't." She said. Garrus looked at her.

"She wouldn't what?"

"Put the beacon in the territory of a Thresher Maw." Whimpered Kaidan. Everyone groaned. They now understood what was going though the Sentinel's mind. Whether he should go slow and careful. Or he should just floor it and race to the beacon.

"Oh the hell do I leave a way out?" He thought. Going slower meant they'd wouldn't drive right into one of those blasted things. So he slowly edged the Mako forward over the plain.

"Err.. Could one of you man the gun? Everyone just be on the Alert. Tali there ought to be a seismic reader. It'll help tell us where a Maw will surface." The Mako slowly cruised across the ground as they got closer and closer to the beacon, you could see the muscles begin to relax.

Pretty soon they'd reached the beacon.

"That's it I'm killing Shepard when I get back." Hissed Kaidan, furious at the prank. Though it turned out not to be a prank as suddenly the Mako flew up into the air as a Thresher Maw surfaced just beneath them. Everyone screamed, clutching their seats in fear. Luckily the Mako landed the right way up and Ashley immediately began pumping the sucker full of …lead/plasma. While Kaidan began emergency manoeuvres to avoid the acidic spit. Which was basically swerving all over the place as if he was drunk. This caused Ashley to constantly miss.

"KAIDAN! If you do not stay in a straight line how am I meant to hit the son of a …" Ashley was muffled as she fired the canon. It hit the Thresher Maw and it screeched. Soon after much trial and error, the Maw was bleeding profoundly and has several holes in it.

"Alenko! Charge the mother(bang). Charge it!" Yelled Ashley. Kaidan spun the Mako around and drove head on towards the beast. It opened it's mouth to spit the acid, when Ashley fired the canon and the rail gun at the same. The back of the Maw's mouth exploded to reveal a perfect hole. The Maw slumped forward, causing Kaidan to have to swerve to miss it. The Mako lifted off onto two tyres and then…

_Everyone jumped when Shepard fell out of her chair howling with laughter, legs flaying in the air as she laughed. Then everyone looked at the feed from the planet below and immediately understood what had the Commander in hysterics. _

_Flight Lieutenant Jeff Joker Moreau hobbled up the carrying the fresh bowl of popcorn and a cup of coffee. When he entered the command deck he nearly dropped what he was holding. Nearly the whole of the command deck were howling with laughter. Rolling his eyes, he made his way to his comfy chair, stepping over a wheezing Shepard._

"_So Commander, care to share with the rest of the class?" He asked, drumming his fingers on the console._

"_You…haha…. You…(giggle) owe me… hahaha… 150.… credits mister! Thank you Kaidan!" _

"_WHAT? No way!" Joker's hands danced over the console and he brought up the live feed. When he saw the image, he groaned and face planted the console. He had lost the bet. Then he remembered the other part of the bet he'd made with Shepard. He sat bolt up and clamped his hands over his hat. Sadly he wasn't fast enough and Shepard was waiting. She yanked his cap off his head and plonked it over her messed up hair then she skipped down the corridor, humming a tune. Joker growled and made an oath to make Kaidan suffer._

"Kaidan…" Kaidan gulped as his passengers all said his name at the same time. He could feel all their eyes on him, narrowed. He loosened his grip on the wheel and took a deep breath. He was never going to hear the end of this. Even the Commander wouldn't let him live it down.

"Kaidan." This time it was just Ashley. " Did you just flip the Mako?" Slowly Kaidan nodded, while he figured out what was the best ,and fastest, way out of the overturned Mako so he could run as fast as he could.

"You flipped the bloody Mako!? Something Shepard has been trying to do for months now?!" Kaidan nodded again, praying for a miracle. He coughed awkwardly and began to edge towards the window. Then in one fluid movement he undid his belt with his biotics and scurried out though the window. He felt somebody's finger brush against his ankle but he just concentrated on legging it to the beacon. Soon Ashley was out of the Mako and chasing after him, yelling all sorts of insults. The nicest being traitor. The worst being… well erm… Moving on.

Kaidan reached the beacon and hit the button which called the Normandy.

"JOKER? SHEPARD? PRESSLY? HELP ME! OOF!" He was tackled to the ground by a pink blur. He caught a glimpse of Liara, Garrus and Tali approaching looking somewhat angry. At that precise moment, Kaidan would have happily fought a Thresher Maw with his bare hands. Hell the Thresher Maw would at least have mercy on him. Then Kaidan pretty much browned his armour when he saw Wrex storming over with a crowbar in his hands. Unleashing a biotic wave to fling them back, Kaidan opened a com line to the Normandy and ran like hell.

"SHEPARD HELP ME! They're gonna lynch me!"

"Oh sorry, Kaidan. Shepard ain't here." Came Joker's voice, very monotone.

"Joker! I need back up now!"

"No way, you cost me 150 credits and my hat." Kaidan could actually hear him cross his arms and glare at the console.

"I'll pay it for you, just save me! I've got an angry Krogan with a crowbar after me." Screamed Kaidan as he reached the Mako once more and paused to catch some breath.

"A crowbar huh?"

"And an Asari that'll flay my mind!"

"Hmm…"

"200 credits, okay? Plus Tali's got her shotgun out."

"That's how much you think you're life is worth?"

"500! Please Joker! I do not want Ashley to rip me to pieces!"

"(sigh) Fine! I'll come and save your ass. Hello everybody! This is your pilot speaking. Shepard wants you all to stop trying to kill poor Alenko. Now Get the Mako upright and we can get you all home." Kaidan peeked out from his hiding and grinned as he saw the Normandy come into land. Soon the Mako was upright and in the cargo bay. Everyone shuffled off to clean up, while Adam was carted off to the Med bay after he fainted. Kaidan made sure to stay close to a group of people and potential witnesses. Then the ship radio cackled into life.

"This is Commander Shepard. Can the off world team please report to the debriefing room? Also if Lt. Alenko has so much as one of his hairs damaged I'll be having words with you all." Kaidan gulped, he was so not going to enjoy this one bit.

**Next Chapter: Award ceremony. Reinstatement and Grand theft auto  
**

**Reviews are welcome!  
Trishata96**


	8. Award Ceremony

**Award Ceremony.**

**Almost there!**

Shepard watched as her team filed in, Kaidan being the last. The biotic made sure to sit far away from everyone else. Everyone had cleaned up nicely.

"Sooo.." She said, innocently. "Who's the Mako driver?" There were glances between the six of them. All silently knowing the answer to the question.

"You are." They all chorused avoiding her eyes.

"Will you ever challenge my position ever again?"

"No."

"Good! Now to move onto the next bit." Shepard pulled several plaques out of no where. Everyone was confused but Kaidan clicked on immediately. He knew Shepard too well. Shepard handed one to Garrus.

"Garrus, first to do a 'Shepard' ." The Turian growled at the jibe meant by the plaque, Shepard wasn't going to let them forget this at all.

" Gunnery Chief Williams. Highest and longest hang time." A second plaque was handed to Ashley, who grudgingly saluted. "And causing the most damage to the Mako."

"Tali. First to break the chair. You are the back up Mako driver, now." The Quarian engineer grinned behind her mask, that meant she was the best out of them all.

"Wrex… First Mako speeding fine." The Krogan's jaw dropped as Shepard handed him the plaque and a speeding ticket. " You have to pay 300 credits in 20 days time." Nobody was surprised, when they remembered the speed Wrex had been going at. Shepard went over to Liara, who had sworn never to drive a Mako ever again.

"Liara. Best movie impersonation. If you don't understand ask Joker about The Italian Job film." Shepard left the Asari scratching her head and walked over to Kaidan. Reluctantly he stood up.

"Staff Lieutenant Alenko. First to flip the Mako" She said a little too cheerfully. " And the most impressive face plant." Kaidan felt his cheeks flush bright red.

"Well at least we have something to look back on and laugh over." He muttered. That was when everyone realised they had had fun down below. Then Kaidan noticed Shepard still had a pad in her hand.

"Who wants to see some pictures?" She asked immediately pulling up a picture of a certain biotic face planting the mud. The majority of them was the photos of them all screaming their heads off while flying though the air. Soon Ashley was punching him in the arm playfully and he and Tali were arguing over which Omni-tool was the best.

Then Navigator Pressley rushed into the briefing room. Eyes wide with panic.

"Joker's stolen the Mako!" He yelled. Everyone froze as their brains tried to work out whether this was real or a well constructed prank.

"But the Mako's still being repaired…"

"Adams finished an hour ago. For a man high on Morphine he does better repair work than usual. But I mean it! He said something about getting his hat back and proving Shepard wrong." Shepard immediately groaned and covered her face with her hands. Everyone looked at Shepard, only now realising that she wore Joker's cap.

"He isn't taking it seriously. God no."

"I'm afraid to ask but I will. Shepard what did you say he couldn't do?" Asked Garrus, his mandibles twitching in worry.

"I told him there was no way he could drive the Mako let alone make it dance."

**NEXT Chapter: JOKER!**

**Suggestions of what song the Mako should attempt to dance to are welcome. Preferably something ballet like.**


	9. JOKER!

**Joker**

**Ladies and Gentlemen… Asari and Turians! Dancing The Blue Danube with his partner, The Mako! I proudly give you… JOKER!**

Everyone stared at the groaning Shepard, trying to process.

"Ma'am. Did you tell him you'd give him his cap back?" Asked Kaidan. Shepard nodded now realising the massive error she had made. Suddenly the view screen flared into life. There on the planet below, on one of the ice caps, was the Mako. Then Joker's voice came though the speakers.

"Ladies and Gentlemen…and Garrus. I am here to prove Commander Shepard wrong. Please start the music and leave the court martial for later." The pilot sounded strangely smug. Sighing, Kaidan went over the console and pressed play on a file Joker had just uploaded. Classical music began to stream though the speakers. Both Kaidan and Ashley looked at each other, they knew that song. The Gunnery Chief nudged Kaidan.

"Hey. 500 credits say he does an epic fail." She whispered as the Mako began to move in graceful circles.

"Deal." The two Marines shook hands and sat back to watch the event unfold. The Mako began to move a bit more faster, in time with the music, suddenly as the music began to climax, the thrusters ignited for a split second allowing Joker to do a spin on one tyre. As Joker happily drifted around the ice, everyone's jaws began to drop more and more. They couldn't believe it. They were watching the Mako do ballet! He was using the Thrusters just the right amount to achieve little spins and jumps in the air. Then the Mako began to spin on the spot, the brakes being hit at the right time and the Mako going onto the back tyres. Soon the Music began to come to the end, Joker stuck his head out of the window and began to do complex J-turns. Then a drum roll began to play and the Mako speed towards a ramp of snow.

"Oh Keelah. Should I get Dr. Chakwas on standby?" Asked Tali, not sure whether she should avert her eyes. Everyone inhaled as the Mako's tyres hit the ramp and then flew into the air, the Mako began to tip and Joker used the Thrusters to spin the vehicle. The Mako landed safely and lifted up on the front tyres and spun on to spot. As soon as the music finished the all six tyres were back on the ground. Suddenly a Camera popped down from the ceiling and took a picture of the crew. The picture on the view screen switched to the interior of the Mako, with Joker grinning at the screen. No one had ever seen the bugger that smug. Everyone looked at Shepard who had sat down and promptly buried her head.

"Shepard, you told Joker he could not make the Mako dance to the Blue Danube?" Asked Ashley, glaring at Kaidan as he nudged her.

"Yes… Pressley pick Joker up, he'd proven his point. I'll leave his damn cap on the pilot chair…" Joker coughed.

"Actually Commander I want you to give it to me in person. So I'll see you in the Cargo bay." The View screen went blank. Huffing Shepard went out and headed to the cargo bay. Kaidan once again nudged Ashley.

"What Kaidan?" She snapped.

"You owe me 500 credits." Came the simple reply as Kaidan followed Shepard, rather hurriedly. Down in the cargo bay, even Engineer Adams heard the scream of frustration. Ashley was not having a good day…

Joker gently eased himself out of the Mako, careful not to brake any bones. He could feel Artemis Shepard glaring at him, eyes a narrow line. Dr Chakwas was near the elevator, most proberly ready to lecture him. He walked over to Shepard and retrieved his cap from her head. Shepard went to walk away but Joker grabbed her arm.

"Remember what else you said?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. The rest of the ground team looked slightly confused. Shepard blushed the most adorable shade of red.

"It was meant as a joke. I never thought anyone could make that heap of shit dance." Protested Shepard. Smiling, Joker began to imitate her voice.

"Hell, if you can make the Mako dance, I'd give you your cap back and kiss…" Joker leaned forward and whispered the last part into her ear. Behind Shepard, Wrex gave Kaidan a nudge and said something about how this was his lucky day. Joker also noted it seemed to be taking all of Shepard's self control so she wouldn't break every single bone in his body.

"Joker, please tell me you are kidding." She muttered between gritted teeth. Her fists clenched when the pilot shook his head. There was an indignant squawk as Wrex dragged Kaidan over.

"Oh well Shepard, make it his lucky day. At this rate he'll never get laid." Joker laughed at Wrex, of course they'd think it was Kaidan.

"Sorry it isn't his lucky day. It's mine." The look on Kaidan's face was priceless. The poor bugger. Shepard crossed her arms and pouted, angrily.

"No! I am not kissing you on a cheek. Not until you shave the fur off your face!" She hissed. Joker clutched his heart in mock pain.

"Ow! That hurt! That was low, even for you Shepard!" Kaidan then raised his hand.

"Err. Wait. The Commander did say anything about when she had to kiss you?" Shepard broke out into a smile as Joker glared at who he'd thought was his friend.

"Oh yeah…Well see you all later. Doc, he's all yours." In a blink of an eye, Dr Chakwas had crossed the length of the cargo bay and began dragging Joker towards the elevator by the ear.

_Well that failed. I am so going to make Kaidan's life hell!_

In fact when Kaidan's terminal blew up in his face, a week later, everyone knew who'd done it. Joker had learned that after a singed Kaidan AND Shepard came storming up to the cockpit and stole Joker's cap. He also learned that two angry Biotics were made him brown his pants.

Back to the present moment though. Shepard examined a pad, Tali had just given her. It was another message from the Mako's Satnav.

_From: Mako Satnav_

_To: Normandy, Jeff Moreau _

_0100111101101000001000000110 1101011110010010111000101110 0010111000100000010110010110 1111011101010010000001110010 0110010101100001011011000110 1100011110010010000001101011 0110111001101111011101110010 0000011010000110111101110111 0010000001110100011011110010 0000011101000111001001100101 0110000101110100001000000110 0001001000000110011101101001 0111001001101100001011100010 0000010110010110111101110101 0010000001101000011000010111 0110011001010010000001110011 0111010101100011011010000010 0000011011010110000101100111 0110100101100011011000010110 1100001000000110100001100001 0110111001100100011100110010 1110001011100010111000100000 0100100100100000001111000011 0011001000000111100101101111 0111010100100000010010100110 0101011001100110011000101100 0010000000110100011001010111 0110011001010111001000101110 _

It took a while to stop Shepard giggling. Today had been a good day, she now had all sorts of interesting blackmail at her disposal. Especially since everyone pretty much screamed like a bunch of girls. Shepard mentally made a note that the next time she took the Mako out to put Highway to Hell on… or maybe Magic Carpet Ride?

**1. Oh my... You really know how to treat a girl. You have such magical hands... I 3 you Jeff, 4ever.**

**Now to the Judges.. And we have a perfect score! Oh wait… The Turian councillor is being a killjoy. *bang* Thank you Wrex.**

**Okay I'll be honest, it was easy to imagine the Mako's dance moves but writing them down is so hard! I know not the names of dance moves, sorry if i disappointed.  
**

**Thank you all for reading, now I need to tend to the plot bunnies, aka write them down...  
**


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